The Suicide King
by BozarBoy
Summary: Life's a pain when you can die and doesn't stick. Thankfully, kleptomania and the superpower roulette can ease the existential burden of shitty immortality. In the words of Freddie Mercury, "Who wants to live forever?"
1. Ch 1 - Welcome to My Nightmare

Chapter 1.1 – Welcome to My Nightmare

I never really thought my last words were going to be, "So long and thanks for all the fish." I always figured it'd be something poignant, witty, and most importantly, original. But lo and behold, in the heat of the moment, staring down an eldritch abomination in a nun's habit… well, it wasn't a particularly conducive environment for word-smithing I'll tell you what. But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself.

My name is Diego Padavona, and this is the story of how I died.

-0-0-0-

The first thought I had when I woke up, that I wasn't home, was soon eclipsed by a second notion. "Who the hell is playing the organ at this time of da-" I paused, seeing moonlight spilling across my legs. "Er, night?" Rolling my neck absently as I sat up, I took a look around to try and figure out where I had ended up.

It wasn't the first time I had woken up without a clue as to where I was or how I ended up there, but at least I was: a) wearing pants and 2) not dealing with a girl whose name I didn't know. Fucking forbid the times when those circumstances overlapped.

Curiously, I seemed to have camped out in a cathedral, the bench I had slept on turning out to be a pew of all things. It seemed to be deserted, save for that damnable organ player. There was a giant statue of a semi-monstrous woman clutching a cross behind the lectern… which set me on edge for reasons I couldn't really fathom. There was something tantalizingly familiar about her and I had the distinct feeling I wasn't going to like it when I remembered why. Maybe I accidentally joined, or got kidnapped, by a radical feminist cult and was going to get sacrificed to appease their dark virgin goddesses.

Since no other theories immediately came to mind, I assumed that was the case and began to plan accordingly. In an ideal universe, I'd be able to defeat the high priestess and assume her role by right of conquest. Then there was the question of placating her inevitably duplicitous second-in-command, but if I played my cards right… That train of thought was soon derailed when I noticed the organ had stopped.

I heard the soft patter of someone approaching and turned to face the no-doubt terrifying woman who was planning to end my existence. Since the universe has an odd sense of humor, it was a nun. "Alrighty then Sister, since I've no idea on how I got here, you mind telling me where I am? And possibly tell me where your high priestess is, so that I may slay her and gain her power?" I asked seriously. "I have a reputation to uphold, yeah?"

The lass didn't answer me right away, electing to instead clap her hands together and dash out a prayer. I gave her a moment to consult her heathen deities before speaking up.

"I'll take that as a no then." I sighed. "Very well, I'll see myself out." I nodded to the Sister, which wasn't particularly helpful as her eyes were still closed in reverence, and moved to walk past her. When I was roughly a yard or two away, her arms dropped to her sides and her eyes snapped open. The soft red glow of her featureless sclera really offset the sinister smirk playing across her lips.

I blinked, nodding to myself as it clicked into place. I laughed, or at least made a poor attempt to, as I realized where exactly I was. Only, it was impossible or at the very least, highly unlikely. I wasn't in the Grand Cathedral of the Canopy Kingdom, standing before _Double_ of all peo- things. That would mean I was in a videogame, Skullgirls in case you were curious, and that kind of thing didn't happen outside of mental breakdowns and fanfiction. With any luck, I was having a psychotic episode and was not actually a chosen plaything for ROB's amusement.

That in mind, I tuned back into reality, having missed most of Not!Double's speech as I rationalized away the implications of her appearance and our locale. She mentioned something about a Trinity before fucking melting and morphing into her "proper" form. Her mouth opened and kept opening, peeling back as a mass of flesh poured out of her gaping maw. A tangled mess of teeth, tissue, and eyes formed out of said mass, even as her "mouth" hit the floor and pooled at her feet. Before long, the flowing flesh formed into a facsimile of femininity, a vaguely humanoid shape topped by a cyclopean eye and a crown (or tiara if she was secretly a princess) made of bone. Delightfully, there also seemed to be a tentacle-like appendage with a constantly reforming face rising up from her feet along with another pseudopod sporting odd, feather-like protrusions.

As an extremely stoic and manly individual, I did _not_ scream like a small child while scrabbling away like a panicked llama. On a different, not at all deflective note, the flames of the numerous candles dotted around the cathedral were flaring up like a right bastard for some reason. I didn't even know you could get foot-long flames off a scented candle until that night.

Double quirked her head, seemingly just as surprised by the overachieving candles as I was. I took the moment to collect my thoughts and decided that psychotic episode or no, I did not feel like finding out by getting into a scrap with the false nun. As such, I did the only logical thing, letting out a girlish shrie- I mean- an **impressive war cry** as I bravely charged past the beast. The moment I got within spitting distance of Double, she _moved_, coalescing into a coil of muscle and teeth, closing the gap between us in a frightfully fast fashion. I squeaked grunted and threw out a quick jab, hoping to catch Double by surprise before she could reform and possibly eat me.

The punch didn't connect, but I did land a glancing blow with the gout of flame that followed my fist. The sounds and scents of cooking meat were almost overwhelming as Double reeled back to extinguish itself, rolling across the floor briefly before glaring at me as it rose to its feet.

I opened my mouth to apologize for the unexpected pyrotechnics before realizing I had a way out, crazy it seemed. Following an impulse, I snapped off a few more punches, each jab accompanied by a sizeable jet of fire. The false nun dodged each easily, my errant shots doing more damage to the building we were standing in than to my supposed opponent.

I started laughing, I say heartily whereas others would say hysterically, as the cathedral started to burn and fill with smoke. I was swaying on my feet, embers dancing up and down my arms as I tried to locate Double. I had lost track of it after tha- I felt something tear through my arm an instant before I heard the gunshot, spinning with the impact as I crumpled to the ground. The bitch had shapeshifted into Parasoul and shot me with a damned Luger knockoff, extinguishing any hopes I had of making it out alive. "Heh, guess I'm not the only one into firearms, eh?" I joked through gritted teeth before coughing. "Fucking smoke."

Double slid forward, features dissolving back into those of the Sister she played at being. I'll be damned if there wasn't a beatific smile on the beast's false face as it stalked closer. I sat up despite the protests of my body, determined to avoid dying on my back. I was done for, fairly sure the blood loss alone would be enough, not to mention whatever Double had planned for me. But I had one trick left, a poignant parting gift if ever there was.

"H-Hey Double, I have a last…" I stopped as I hacked up a bit of ash. "_request_." It paused, a small frown forming on its face as it looked down at me like a disapproving mother. "Burn with me." I grinned, before throwing myself at the creature with everything I had left, drawing the scattered fires in like a cloak. Wreathed in flames, our screams, one mortal and one non, blended together as I self-immolated.

-0-0-0-

It was cooler than it should've been, the howling winds rousing me from unconsciousness. It took me a moment to realize that I was still alive somehow, and yet another to actually open my eyes and get up. I was on a roof, not burning alive in a fictional church.

So it was either an extremely vivid dream or I had tripped like a sumbitch, but the important thing was that I wasn't some kind of pyrokinetic suicide bomber… right? Idly, I threw a cross, half-hoping that nothing would happen. The other half, the half that planned to fight crime, was sorely disappointed when it did. As if to further drive the point home, a gust of wind blew by at the same time, like nature itself was mocking me. "Stupid Anemoi." I muttered as tried to move on from the bizarre dream.

The staccato bangs of gunfire nearby had me reconsidering that conclusion. I dropped to the ground, hoping to escape the shooter's notice. Another explosion rang out, drawing my eyes to the other end of the roof in time to see a plume of smoke dissipating in the breeze, along with a girl who was tumbling end over end. She staggered to her feet and bolted, leaving behind some stuff that survived the explosion. The same feeling of familiarity hit me and I realized with a certain dread that I knew this scene from somewhere that shouldn't have existed. I pushed my existential crisis down and moved to recover the girl's stuff before catching up with her. With any luck, it would be enough of a peace offering to prove I wasn't an asshole. Then I'd just have to figure out where I was…

Dismissing that depressing train of thought, I jogged over to the blast site and grabbed the biggest, most intact looking item, a pair of night-vision goggles. I slipped them around my neck and made my way after the girl. '_Maybe I'm in Digimon?_' I thought as I spotted a fire escape nearby. '_The lead's always got goggles, but it's not usually a chick._' I shuddered at the thought I'd landed in a genderbent AU, nearly falling off the fire escape as I did so. '_Great job, Diego, it took an eldritch nun to kill you the first time, and now you almost get ganked by _stairs_._'

As I dropped into the alley below, I saw the girl stop and stare down an intersection. She was breathing hard and cradling her arm something fierce, no doubt trying to keep pressure on a wound from the explosion. I wasn't going to be much use personally, but at least I could see to it that she got her goggles and proper medical attention.

"Excuse me, Miss!" I called out in as friendly a voice I could manage. "I think you dropped something." The lass turned, staring at me in confusion before replying rapidly in… _Japanese_. I had no idea what she said, but the tone of voice implied it was something decidedly unpleasant. "No offense intended Miss, but I have no idea what you're saying!" I said as I slowly walked towards her, arms up in supplication. Her voice sparked something, so at least I was in a setting I somewhat knew. As insane as it sounded, I thought I might've landed in an anime.

Any plans I had for peaceful contact were dashed when the lass was suddenly obliterated, the upper half of her body flat out erased. I froze, unable to look away as her legs gave out with a sickening squelch. Then I heard the laugh.

The tittering, pure laugh of a homicidal teenaged albino. I knew that laugh, and I know where I was.

"Of course I get dropped next to Accelerator in the middle of a Sister fight." I said with a sigh as the esper of the hour walked around the corner with a mad grin on his face. He took one look at me and shook his head, as if he already knew the punchline to my cosmic joke of an existence. He opened his mouth to speak and I cut him off with a finger. "Don't bother with the moonspeak lad, I won't hear a word." I took a deep breath and dropped into a fighting stance. If the dream wasn't a dream, then I should still be able to generate fire with my brain. "Come on then."

Not that it would help against Mr. Vector Control, the bastard. Still, when life gives you lemons, burn life's house down with your pyrokinesis as my uncle used to say.

Accelerator snorted and...

-0-0-0-

'_Oh goddamnit._' I thought as I found myself waking in a different alleyway. '_I didn't even get to make a move or anything!_' I looked around the alley, finding nothing distinct about it save for it's overwhelming blandness. I mean, damn. It was like the art director asked for "generic alley" and the overworked, underpaid art department went to town.

Before I got all worked up or killed again, I had to take a step back and just think. I died fighting Double of Skullgirls fame, full blaze of glory and whatnot. Then I got ganked by Accelerator, meaning I was in Magical Index somehow. Two "fictional" worlds I was fan of… back home. The "real" world, right?

But that wasn't necessarily true anymore, was it? If I was bouncing around a multiverse, if not _the_ omniverse encompassing every work of fiction and my supposed reality, then what was I supposed to do next? I'd died twice for fuck's sake and was still around to tell the tale in a fashion. I leaned against a brick wall tagged by various artists, some of which were talented and unique, while others saw fit to tell me the type of woman my mother was. There was a dirty puddle of some foul concoction on the floor, which was on the verge of soaking through my socks. Fortunately, I was only at the edge of the miasma instead of soaking in it.

'_Huh._ _Looks like I'm not wearing shoes._' I supposed it was fitting, given I was clad in my pajamas after all. '_Nice of ROB to let me keep my clothes_.' I absently adjusted the night-vision goggles hanging around my neck. '_Including the stuff I pick up it seems._' Not really sure of what to do next, I slipped the goggles on, hoping it would inspire an idea.

It was brighter than I'd anticipated, the very air glowing like an overcompensating Christmas display with an inferiority complex. I sniffed the air, noting the bitter tang of ozone before my vision went white.

-0-0-0-

"Hells fucking bells man, I didn't even do anything that time!" I screamed as soon as I realized I had jumped again. I rolled off the enormously uncomfortable couch I had woken up on, grumbling like an old man. "Alright, random explosions notwithstanding, the hell am I now?"

I was in a living room of modest size, the walls an obnoxious shade of pink. No TV, which was surprising, but there was a radio tucked away in the corner next to a loveseat. The front door was to my right and I decided to leave, lest I meet the business end of a shotgun. No way was I getting mistaken for a home invader and getting taken out that way. I did have some pride, damnit.

Utilizing my finely honed stealth skills, I crept up to the door. As I was reaching for the door, the knob started turning because go fuck myself apparently.

I stepped back, straightened myself up as best I could and put on a happy face. The door swung open dramatically and the owner stared at me. "Lucy! I'm home." I said with a manic grin, hoping to distract the vampire long enough to come up with an actual plan.

* * *

**A/N:** And the experiment begins again! Inspired by sonicfan315's Afterlife is Not For Me, it's my own take on the resurrection-jump. Your criticism, questions, and comments are very much appreciated. Hope ya liked it.


	2. Ch 2 - Killer Queen

Chapter 1.2 – Killer Queen

They say people can adapt to any situation given time and the proper mindset. That fear, along with happiness and nationality, is naught but a state of mind. It's all a choice, yeah?

I'd like to see what they'd say when faced with a half-demon vampire bassist, in their pajamas.

-0-0-0-

Marceline Abadeer looked at me uncomprehendingly, floating in the doorway with a bag of groceries in hand. The lass was wearing a grey flannel shirt over a black tank top, a generic pair of jeans, what appeared to be Chuck Taylor's, and a cap adorned with a fire-breathing horse head. It was very Seattle of her and I swore then that no matter what, I wouldn't allow myself to be killed by anyone wearing flannel.

"Now, I know what you're thinking," I ventured slowly. "And no, I'm not actually Ricky Ricardo." I nodded and slammed the door in her face, fumbling with the lock before throwing myself against it to keep it shut. With any luck, I'd have a few seconds before she kicked it do-

I heard a door swing open on the other side of the house and mentally kicked myself since I forgot about the door in the kitchen. Taking a deep breath to steady my nerves, I made my way across the living room and stopped at the window looking into the kitchen. The shutters were drawn shut and I could hear Marceline moving around on the other side. I moved to open them and caught myself halfway there. '_And what do you plan on telling her, dude?_' I asked myself. '_"I'm immortal, you're a cartoon where I'm from, and I think I have superpowers"?_' I snorted. '_That's a bit nuts even for this cuckoo's nest the locals call Ooo._'

The decision was taken out of my hands when the shutters suddenly snapped open of their own accord. The kitchen was black as pitch and I peered into the dark void dumbly. Naturally, that meant when Marceline burst forth from the shadows all wolfed out, I took a ballistic vampire queen to the face. Caught completely off-guard, I fell back, taking the morphed Marceline down with me. We hit the ground hard, knocking over a nearby lamp, which I co-opted and tried to break over her head.

Unfortunately, she must've known that the desk lamp was the deadliest light fixture outside of the candelabra, as she contemptuously batted it aside before I could slay her with it. She grinned at me, showing off the rows of teeth her current form possessed, before pinning my arms down with some kind of invisible pressure. '_Oh yeah, she's got telekinesis too._' I absently noted as the half-demon looked around the living room. "Erm, if it helps," I choked out. "I tried not to touch anything."

"It doesn't really," Marceline answered cooly, voice oddly warped. "But thanks anyway." She turned her attention back to me, eyes boring into me uncomfortably as she gave me a once over. "So, do you want to tell me why you're here or do I have to make you tell me?"

"I don't particularly want to," I said, meeting the lass' gaze. "But I'm really tired of violently dying every few minutes. It all started the night I got into an argument with a fake Jamaican at a Halloween party…"

I told her the rest of the story, altering it slightly to omit the "fictional" nature of the worlds I'd been visiting. She had climbed off and let me sit up against the wall at some point, sitting next to me and listening quietly. Mercifully, it was a short story, so I was done recapping within a few minutes. Didn't stop my eyes from watering or my throat from hurting though. She must've hit me harder than I thought or bought onions or something.

"That's some pretty heavy stuff…" She trailed off expectantly.

"Diego." I supplied with a sigh. "And I suppose it is, Miss." She reciprocated, telling me her name unnecessarily before we returned to the silence.

After a few moments of blissful quiet, there was a knocking at the door. For a moment, it sounded like the drum line to Space Jam. Suppressing a scowl, I pushed my melancholy to the back of my mind and fixed a smile on my face. "Seems we have company."

"Right, if you'll just wait here, I can introduce you guys." Marceline said as she picked herself up via telekinesis. Adjusting her cap, she continued, "Just don't start crying again."

"Aye ma'am, sit on the floor and refrain from eye sweating until the interrogation is done." I saluted her. '_Stupid wonky tear ducts going off for no reason._'

She rolled her eyes, but I caught a faint smile before she floated away. She answered the door, ushering in a bundle of blue and white, followed by a cacophonic crash as a drum kit dropped to the ground.

"Whoops, sorry Marceline." Simon Petrikov, the Ice King, said with a raspy laugh. "Just my butter fingers acting up again."

"It's ok, Simon." Marceline said with an audible smile. "At least we're not in a troll's den this time."

"I thought trolls only lived under bridges?" I interjected. "Never really seemed the den type to me, you know?"

"Oh believe me, most do. The ones that do have dens are the _worst_ though. Always asking to borrow your records and hogging all the lady trolls to themselves." Simon said without missing a beat. "Why, I remember this one time I… I…" He trailed off, presumably realizing that -the call was coming from _inside_ the house- er, that he wasn't alone with Marceline. Or the voices in his head were acting up again.

He looked at me, head quirked and eyes wide. His jaw opened slightly before abruptly closing, as if he couldn't find the words he wanted. Since I tended to have that effect on people (blame my thrice-damned roguish charm and good looks), I simply waved. In a move that caught me off-guard, he stepped around Marceline, planting himself firmly between the vampire queen and me.

"And who would you be?" He asked, an unmistakable edge to his voice. For a moment, I entertained the idea of a fantastic lie delivered via musical number (Ooo was that sort of place after all), but the whorls of blue light gathering around his hands derailed that train of thought.

"I'm uh, Diego." I slowly and deliberately got to my feet and leaned against the wall. "I mean, my name is Diego Padavona." The mad magus didn't look satisfied with that, so I continued. "Immortal vagrant, part-time pyrokinetic, and semi-regular timbalero in a moderately successful salsa band. I come in peace." It wasn't even the death I was particularly worried about, my previous "resurrections" leaving me confident I'd wake up elsewhere. It was more dreading having to figure out where and when I'd be once I did so. Random smiting aside, I hadn't exactly gotten along with the locals and it showed in my "lifespans" so to speak.

A moment passed and no one was saying anything, the Ice King's eyes boring me into like an ignorant professor while he mulled over my introduction. A quick glance at Marceline showed me she looked about as confused as I did. She mouthed an apology which I accepted with a shrug.

"What's this about, Simon?" Marceline asked after a brief eternity. "Why are-"

"You can't see it, huh?" The Ice King said almost wistfully. "Must be the wizard eyes then." He grunted and took a deep breath. "Do you know what I'm talking about, Diego?"

"I have to be honest with ya kemo, I've no idea." I admitted. "Sorry?" He didn't answer, but not wanting to take any chances, I tried to call on my power. Ideally, I could pump out enough fire to stalemate his ice magic should I fail my diplomancy roll.

I felt something respond, more of a vague feeling than anything else, and the Ice King suddenly acted. Bringing his hands together, he fired a bolt of blue lightning, the energy transmuting into a cartoonish ice sculpture mid-air. Just as before, I called on my power almost reflexively, throwing my hands up to summon a wall of flames.

Or at least, that's what I intended. Only, I didn't whip up jets of fire this time. Instead, a crude block of _earth_ tore through the living room floor to defend me. Surprised but planning to stay alive, I pushed, my will imposing itself on the rock as it launched forward. There was a pair of shouts, from Marceline and Ice King alike, as the freshly spawned boulder flew at them. I didn't stick around to see the aftermath, electing to exit via the door in the kitchen. Knowing those two, it would take more than a ballistic rock to put them down, so at least I wouldn't have to worry about that.

I threw myself over the counter and into the kitchen, nearly braining myself as I tripped over a small table thing just beneath the window. Scrambling to my feet, I found the door to my left and after a moment of fumbling with the knob, I let myself out. I found myself on a small porch/dock and…

Cold. Mind-numbing, all-encompassing cold. I blinked, finding myself flat on my back and freezing. '_Right, house ain't that big._' I tried to sit up; only my arms gave way halfway through the action and my chest felt odd. Looking down, I saw that I had a lightning bolt-shaped chunk of ice about the length of my forearm piercing my sternum. I tried to laugh since it didn't hurt as much as I assumed it was supposed to, but it quickly degenerated into wheezing coughs. There was blood too, presumably for dramatic effect.

"Lucky shot," I mumbled as it become increasingly difficult to keep my eyes open. "Sorry for the fl…"

-0-0-0-

I woke with a gasp, savoring the sensation of not-punctured lungs. After a quick check to ensure I wasn't holy, I got up and dusted myself off. I hadn't a clue where I was, but it was hella pretty. It appeared to be a plaza of sorts, all leading up to this big church-looking building. A part of me wondered if I had come full circle and was back in Skullgirls, standing outside the cathedral I tried to burn down.

That part was swiftly ignored when I noticed a short dude in a hood fighting off winged centaurs. He looked to be doing pretty well against the half-man, half-pegasus creatures, though he seemed to be a bit too focused on dodging. I moved to help him, because why not, when an enormous shadow passed over me, attached to a goddamn dragon of all things. The inhuman roar it issued scared the crap out of me, and I nearly threw a fireball at it before coming to my senses. I mean, it was a _dragon_. The fuck would my flames do to it?

'_Oh hey, I got fire again._' I noted as I resolved to assist the dude in the hood. '_Neat._'

**A/N:** Yeah, second chapter away! Points if ya figured out the mechanic to his elemental kinesis beforehand. Until next time, kiddies.


End file.
